Learning Through Conversation
As a parent, are you hoping to avoid the “okay” or blank stare in response to your daily question, “How was school today?” One of the best things you can do as your child gets in the car each day is give them time to collect their thoughts and listen…JUST listen. When parents ask too many questions, probe too much, or respond to children with a host of “you should have” or “you could have,” children can become experts at avoiding the real story. Michael Thompson, Ph.D., and author of The Pressured Child, explains that “Parents never get the answer they want to ‘how was your day?’ and often don’t understand how difficult this question really is. Without meaning to, parents are asking for a summary, but kids don’t summarize the way adults do so most kids just say ‘fine’ or try to avoid the question entirely.” Then frustration sets in…for both parents and children.
Some other simple strategies can get kids and parents talking and listening.
Think about asking more specific questions like:
- What was fun today at school?
- What was the most interesting thing you learned today?
- How did you spend your time outdoors today, and did you notice anything different or interesting?
- Did you observe any acts of kindness today? Tell me more about what you saw.
- If you could redo one part of your day, what would you pick?
- Did you do any experiments today? What was the best part? What was the worst part?
- What made you laugh at school today?
- What things did you choose to work on today?
- Who did you choose to work with today?
One way to get off on a different footing can also be to start with “I had a great day…” or “I had a frustrating day…” or “I made a stupid mistake today…”. This helps create a conversation instead of an investigation. Children see that you, just as they do, experience highs and lows over the course of a day and even frustration; this normalizes those feelings.
You may want to address issues as they come up, but make sure to give your child a chance to take ownership of any problems and communicate the belief that your child can take care of themselves. Listen attentively for hints as to what your child needs from you. Empathy, encouragement, problem solving? Don’t rush to offer solutions and tell your child what you think they should do. This communicates that you do not trust their ability to figure things out on their own.
With whatever questions you choose to ask, adding “tell me more” helps kids understand that you care and want to know more, and it gives them an opportunity to share what they feel comfortable with. The goal of communicating effectively about school goes deeper than just asking the right questions. As parents and adults, we want kids to become problem solvers and independent learners. Michael Thompson notes that “Good conversations help kids see we care about their lives, that we are there to support them, and to help them develop strategies for solving problems themselves.” At the end of the day, our biggest goals should be to help children view school as a positive and safe place, let them know we care about their experiences, and help them work towards confidence and independence.